The crack of the bat, the pop of a glove, the groan people make when you tell them the name of your fantasy baseball team. These are the sounds of spring.
So while the players handle the cracks and pops, let's get the groaning going with a whole mess of suggestions for 2020 fantasy baseball team names. Note: This column best enjoyed with your device's Pun Tolerance set to MAXIMUM.
I. Astros-related names
Like or not, the Astros are the biggest story in baseball, and they'll stay that way at least until other major leaguers tire of hitting them with pitched baseballs. If you are interested in honoring the 2017 World Series "champions" via fantasy team name, here are a few options.
Houston Asterisks
Buzzer Beaters
Garbage Pail Kids
Bang the Can Slowly
No Shirt, No Stros, No Series
A**tros
Hey, they can't all be winners. In fact, as baseball fans well know, the only way to ensure winning is to implement a complex, organization-wide cheating program. OK, on to the next category!
II. Roster-specific team names
In the days and weeks before your league drafts, should you spend hours analyzing the board, allowing you to make the best possible selection each time your pick comes up? Sure, you could do that. You could do a lot of things. But all of that takes a ton of effort. Maybe the better approach -- or at least the easier approach -- is to simply pick players who allow you to make a fun fantasy team name and then hope the rest falls into place. Behold!
Ronald Acuna Jr. + Yoan Moncada = Acuna Moncada. (It means you have a fantasy team with no worries.)
Juan Soto + Nolan Arenado + Manny Machado = Soto Arenado Mr. Machado. "But what if someone rudely takes Soto, Arenado or Machado before I do, preventing me from naming my team after a bizarre synth-rock song from 1983?" you ask. It's a common baseball question. Read on.
Joey Votto + Ramon Laureano + Michael Conforto = Votto Laureano Mr. Conforto.
(Secret, secret, I've got a secret: There are more puns to come.)
Hansel Robles + Ketel Marte = Hansel & Ketel.
Michael Conforto + Maikel Franco + Rougned Odor + Dallas Keuchel = Michael, Maikel Odor Keuchel.
All right, that's quite enough for this genre. Let's call it over and move on. Over and out. Hey ... wait a minute ...
Rougned Odor + Mike Trout = Odor and Trout.
III. Everything else
Yelich Relief
Mookie Monsters
For Whom The Bellinger Tolls
Nolan With My Homies
Trevor Story Of My Life
Leave It To Devers
Of Bryce And Men
Bryce Bryce Baby
Walker Buehler's Day Off
Yordan Rules
Spill The Flaherty
Macho Machado Men
Rizzo - Good As Hell
Gleyber Rattling
Advanced Gleybermetrics
He Who Snell't It Dealt It
Go For The Goldschmidt
Ketel One
Eloy, Maties!
It Takes A Villar
Tale Aroldis Time
We Are Pham-ily
Rhys's Pieces
Bobi Chette
Robles Miserables
Syndergaardians Of The Galaxy
The Good, The Vlad And The Ugly
Soler Powered
Moustakas Were Made
Ancient Gurriel Grounds
Upton Here
Dahl Don't Lie
Votto Pilots
Shin-Soo Choo Train
Hitting For The Keuchel
Teheran You Up
Welcome To Marwin Gonzalez
Hit and Pun
And last and possibly least, a name inspired by Jose Altuve's unfinished inking misfortune: Tattoo Fast Tattoo Furious.
There you go. More than four dozen fantasy team names for your consideration for the 2020 MLB season. Please consider yourself a Houston Astro with an opposing team's signs while reviewing all the names above. That is: Feel free to steal anything you like.