The New Yorker recently ran this funny and very clever J.C. Duffy cartoon, showing a pitcher after undergoing Elton John surgery. That cartoon -- and the epidemic of ulnar collateral ligament injuries in baseball this season -- got me thinking about ways to run with Duffy's idea by exploring other out-there variations of what's come to be known as Tommy John surgery.
Elton John surgery: Rather than repair the elbow, this surgery replaces the ligaments in the pitcher's fingers so that he can improve his grip on the baseball and also skillfully play his own entrance music, "Tiny Dancer," on the stadium organ. A major drawback, however, is that the pitcher's vision decreases so much that -- as Duffy's cartoon illustrates -- he must wear very large, loud eyeglasses in order to see the catcher's signs. Also, to be most effective, that catcher should always be Bernie Taupin.
Olivia Newton-John Travolta surgery: Patients receive not one but two replacement ligaments, one from an Australian woman and the other from an American man. After surgery, the pitcher regains only minimal velocity but is endlessly entertaining when singing and dancing to his entrance music, "You're the One That I Want."
Tommy Bahama surgery: Although promising, this procedure requires a very lengthy 36-month rehab program spent sipping mai tais on a Hawaiian or Caribbean island while relaxing in a low folding chair and wearing colorful silk shirts that hide any weight gained during the three years off the mound.
Jimmy John's surgery: This procedure replaces the torn ulnar collateral ligament with Applewood smoked ham, genoa salami, sliced provolone and mayo on a sliced bun. The elbow still will be quite painful, but the pitcher will never be hungry again.
Tommy Boy surgery: While this surgery will correct any elbow damage, side effects include massive weight gain, anger management issues, anxiety disorder, addiction issues and bad hair. On the other hand, it comes with a new set of Callahan Auto brake pads for a bullpen cart.
Tommy Lee Jones surgery: Rather than grafting a ligament into the elbow, this operation gives the pitcher a gruff, gritty personality to handle the arm pain, plus a commanding, authoritarian presence that intimidates batters into submission.
Tommy Tutone surgery: This procedure does not involve transplanting any ligaments. Instead, it salvages a reliever's career by giving him a new name (Jenny) and transplanting an earworm into his manager's brain in the form of the pitcher's cell phone number -- 867-5309 -- so that the skipper always calls and asks for him rather than ringing the bullpen phone for the closer.
Lil Jon surgery: While this operation does not help alleviate pain in the throwing motion, it allows the pitcher to adroitly spin LPs and provide walk-up music for all his teammates. The procedure is costly, though, and requires convincing Donald Trump that it should be covered by his insurance.
Tommy Hilfiger surgery: This operation, too, won't alleviate the pain, but it does make the pitcher look quite dashing on the mound by replacing his jersey, pants and stirrup socks with very fashionable slacks, sweaters, polo shirts and argyles.
John Deere surgery: Similar to Tommy Hilfiger surgery, except that this procedure turns the pitcher into a dependable blue-collar workhorse by replacing the usual uniform with overalls and a farm equipment cap. Note: After this surgery, a reliever will ride a tractor to the mound rather than use a bullpen cart.
Tommy surgery: This surgery fully corrects the elbow injury and adds 3-5 mph to the pitcher's fastball. On the other hand, communication and control become serious issues because the operation renders the pitcher deaf, dumb and blind. He will, however, be able play to play a mean pinball.
Trapper John surgery: If a pitcher is under a tight budget and an even tighter rehab schedule, he can always opt for a quick, emergency procedure in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (aka M.A.S.H.) tent. Note: Due to the high number of ulnar collateral ligament injuries, patients will be selected via triage.
John Fogerty surgery: This is identical to Tommy John surgery except it is only for patients who play center field.