Blimey O'Riley, where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday that the Toe Poke was born unto the world, yet here we are: one year down the line, dribbling down our chins, burping up bubbles of milky sick and soiling ourselves at leisure like all good one-year-olds should.
Something like that anyway.
Anywhom, with a year under our belts we thought it high time to take stock of our 2012/13 campaign; isolating, highlighting and compiling our own personal favourite Toe Pokes in time-honoured "Top 10" fashion - because, let's face it, everybody loves a list!
But as always with these things, some top notch efforts always miss the final cut. For instance, an honourable mention must go to the robotic Japanese goalkeeper that finally provided an opponent worthy of Lionel Messi. The Argentinian was charged with simply beating the laser-guided stopper from the penalty spot... and struggled.
Mario Balotelli could have had a top ten all of his own and his decision to commission a bronze sculpture to be made of himself in the 'power flex' mode he went into after scoring against Germany at Euro 2012, only just misses out on our actual list.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin...
Norwegian club return from winter break to find new road built over their pitch
Along with all the usual hurdles faced when returning for pre-season training: slightly tubby players, slack fitness, new signings to bed in, etc, etc: Norwegian side Ny Krohnborg IL were presented with an added hindrance upon returning from their winter break this season...
Yep, that's right. While Krohnborg hibernated over the cold snap, the local council pressed ahead with their plans to lay a new supply road to the Krohn Minde psychiatric hospital on the campus of Helse Bergen University where, it just so happens, the semi-pro club play their home games.
Ordinarily that wouldn't have been a problem, only the road was plonked over the corner of Krohnborg's rubber crumb pitch and run parallel with the goal-line, meaning that the goals themselves had to be removed too.
"We were quite shocked when we discovered that the road cut [into the pitch]," Krohnborg chairman Radney Thomsen told BA."The start of the season is just around the corner, but no one had informed us. We feel simply run over!"
Just goes to show you can always lighten the mood with a top notch pun.
Burst pipe floods pitch in Kazakhstan league, players ordered to take corner anyway
One for the budding amateur referees out there: a plumbing mishap submerges the entire corner of the pitch under a foot or so of murky sewage water. Do you...
A): Abandon the match in favour of a nice warm cup of tea in the clubhouse?
B): Order the corner-taker to wade into the foul brown swamp and take the corner as normal, even forcing him to retake it if/when the ball floats out of the quadrant?
Personally, we'd probably go "A" every time, but each to their own!
21-year-old student lands manager job in Azerbaijan on strength of Football Manager resume
Many have tried and many have failed, but 2012 saw the first time any plucky chancer has ever successfully pulled off the old "Football Manager CV" ploy
Armed with nothing but a Business Management degree and a "right click>saved as" version of his Football Manager resume, Azerbaijan-born, Sweden-based student Vugar Huseynzade, aged just 21 at the time, somehow talked his way into landing the coach's job with Azerbaijani Premier League club FK Baku's 'A' side.
The back story goes a little something like this...
Baku-born Huseynzade was initially hired by FK Baku in February of 2012 in an assistant/advisory role after the club were, among other things, impressed by the knowledge of the game he applied in guiding his Football Manager team to glory.
Skip forward eight months and FK Baku, whose 'A' side (i.e, their reserve string) had been without a full-time manager for nearly two years, decided to address the situation by promoting Huseynzade from his advisory role up to 'A' team manager - despite his only previous managerial experience being that of playing the all-conquering PC football manager sim.
It was even reported that Huseynzade pipped former Marseille and France legend Jean-Pierre Papin to the job! Madness gone mad!
Movember Special: 15 finest moustaches ever to grace the football pitch
If you think Artur Jorge's breezeblock of weapon's grade Portuguese 'tache is good, then take a look at the other 14 blooters in our Movember tribute to football's finest moustache-toting heroes.
Warning: You may just find your socks being knocked clean off.
Old man in Lady Gaga t-shirt performs bizarre Emile Heskey rap
This one does exactly what it says on the tin. Unfortunately.
Homemade Lady Gaga t-shirt? Check. American football balanced on head? Check. Room full of plastic monkeys and garden gnomes? Check. Terrible pronunciation? Check...
Anyone got a number for Lacuna, Inc?
Video: French U17 keeper almost disembowels striker in 'friendly'
In France, friendly games are known as "match amical", as in "amicable matches".
With that in mind, we're not entirely sure the AS Villaret U-17 keeper got the memo ahead of his side's "match amical" against S.O.M. U-17, wherein he actively attempted to tear off the opposing striker's genitals with a truly horrific tackle - the kind of which will almost certainly send very specific pangs of discomfort right through any gentleman who happens to see it...
So there it is; Toe Poke's worst foul of the season by a country mile.
You're welcome!
Cyber squatter buys 'Michelin Guides' domain name, sets up 'Michel (Platini) in Guides' website
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This one, dear friends, is a work of pure, distilled, 100% organic, ethically farmed, line-caught genius.
Back in early February, Adam Mascall, a 28-year-old salesman from Luton, received a very angry letter through the post from the people at Michelin Guides (i.e, the French restaurant bible universally revered in food circles) after he stole in and snapped up their "www.michelinguides.com" domain name for just £6 recently.
Michelin, who mistakenly allowed the domain to expire, then threatened to sue Mascall in a sternly-worded letter, complaining that he was infringing on their trademark.
Mascall, however, refused to kowtow to the pressure and wrote back to Michelin to inform them that his website wasn't "MichelinGuides.com" and that it was actually "Michel in Guides.com" before duly filling the holding page with hilariously photoshopped images of UEFA president Michel Platini in Girl Guides uniforms!
Adam told The Sun: "I'm not attempting to use it for personal gain or to in any way confuse or redirect Michelin's customers. I just did this for a laugh."
A spokesman for Michelin then retorted: "While we appreciate the amusing nature of the website, we have to do everything possible to protect the Michelin brand."
Like we said, genius.
Sweditrh Language Council adds verg 'Zlatan' to national dictionary
Sensing that the puny human lexicon was far too inferior to use in describing their gargantuan spiritual leader, the Swedish race decided that a new word would have to be invented to encapsulate the celestial wonder of Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
To that end, to celebrate the ringing in of the new year the Swedish Language Council added the verb "zlatanera" to the national dictionary - which we're told literally translates as "to zlatanate".
The official definition of "zlatanera" is "to dominate or be the best at something on or off the field", i.e, "Zlatan will totally zlatanate you into oblivion if he catches you eating his chocolate Hobnobs."
20 of football's finest Mega Mullets
As you're no doubt aware, football has been responsible for some of the very worst gentleman's hair fashions over the years, with the apex of that particular garbage mountain being the mullet which swept through the game like a particularly venomous fart throughout the 1980s and early 1990s.
Thankfully, we can look back and laugh now...just about.
Huzzah! What a jolly old year(ish) it's been here on the Toe Poke. Football really is a funny old game - except for when it's wince-inducingly painful, vomit-inducingly ugly and/or chock full of horrendous moustaches and mullets of course.
We sincerely hope you've enjoyed this season as much as we have. Here's to another 12 months of irreverent mayhem!