There's been much focus in recent weeks about the rising threat of AI, with some insiders quoting a "10% chance" it could wipe out humanity within the next decade. Which might not be soon enough, as far as some fans of Pakistan cricket are concerned - because yes, that's right, the PCB is once again killing it (and not in a good way).
As examples throughout human history have demonstrated, there are some forces on this planet that are just too powerful to be wielded safely. The Light Roller thought that exposing the Ashes to Bazball might pose a danger to the very fabric of time and space - instead it merely backfired spectacularly on the ECB - but the rococo administrative excesses of Pakistan's tour of England suggest that safeguards must now be put in place.
This is a shame, because not so long ago the PCB was a family-friendly light farce, known and loved throughout the cricket world. But after witnessing England's beery self-implosion during the first half of the summer, Pakistan arrived on a mission. And, as the kids have it, they mogged England right out of the frame.
Even the algorithms that govern modern existence would have struggled to come up with the checklist of the last few weeks: comedically bad batting, selection U-turns, mid-tour sackings, Hail Mary call-ups, show-cause notices, and inquiries into player behaviour. Not to mention the threat to interrupt a Test over an interview with the concerned sons of an unwell and incarcerated old man.
(Okay, so no one was accused of ball-tampering - although ball-tampering might have at least made the games more of a contest.)
As ever, there has been a wealth of self-exculpatory media pronouncements from those who might reasonably expect the buck to stop in their vicinity. The Light Roller's favourite was Mohsin Naqvi, PCB chair, declaring benevolently: "I would not allow anyone to blame the players for the sake of it, and ask everyone to stop demotivating the players. It is unfair." No, we definitely wouldn't want to demotivate the players at all, certainly not by sending half of them home - including one guy who took a five-wicket haul. Perish the thought!
But then, suddenly, Razaullah is unleashed on the world, and things start making sense. Perhaps only by splicing all of its most chaotic, confounding and damaging traits together at the same time, could Pakistan cricket come up with such a quintessentially Pakistani cricketer, an exotic throwback launched straight from the hill country into Test cricket to bowl 90mph rockets and smash sixes. Maybe this is the price of progress. Maybe, like the tech bods in Palo Alto keep telling us, the benefits outweigh the dangers.
Never mind the PCB, let's turn over running the Pakistan Test team to ChatGPT - and enjoy the sweet release of oblivion when it comes.
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One place where Naqvi's schtick is still working is over at the ACC. This time he acted as a human deflector shield around the women's Asia Cup, with India's players predictably refusing to go up and get the trophy, and Amol Muzumdar suggesting they didn't need it anyway: "For us, this tournament is over, we are the champions. That's good enough. It was on the big board that India are the champions of Asia Cup 2026." And maybe this is the way big cricket goes, since India funds it all and its team are favourites for pretty much every trophy. Why bother even squeezing the tournaments into the calendar? Just write India's name down in the record books in perpetuity, and play another season of the IPL, why not?
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Speaking of the future, was Bangladesh's famous win over Australia in Darwin cause for optimism or another harbinger of end times? It should be the former, of course, but call the Light Roller cynical - it's better than some names that come our way - we still think it'll be a fair wee while before Bangladesh get invited to play a five-Test series during the actual Australian summer. In fact, given the way cricket's Big Three ecosystem functions (see above), and the ongoing public wrangling around private investment in the BBL, we wouldn't be surprised if the next we hear on the subject it is Najmul Hossain Shanto being interviewed for the 23-year retrospective next time Bangladesh pitch up in the Top End.
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Thankfully, the guardians of our great game are out there manning the watchtowers. Here's Steve Waugh, lamenting the demise of Test match batting: "The art of getting through tough situations and working hard to get ugly runs - I think that doesn't happen very often anymore. Obviously T20's all about hitting fours and sixes. Test cricket, sometimes you've got to just dig in and be prepared to play three or four maidens and look ugly to get runs."
Luckily "Tugga" is here to get the message out. "Everybody's got to be aware and concerned. T20 is where the money is, and players make a living. For them, it's not a hard choice: make a lot of money in a short period of time, or be prepared to expose yourself in Test cricket and not make as much money."
Erm, hang on, Steve, you're not making it sound so attractive… "If you want to find out how good you are at cricket, play Test cricket. If you want to look after your family and make a lot of money, play T20. So I don't blame anyone for any decision they make, but we've got to ensure that Test-match cricket is still played." If anyone has any solutions, please put them on the back of a postcard and send them to the ETPL, where Waugh is a co-owner of Amsterdam Flames.