The Scripps National Spelling Bee concludes tonight in Washington, D.C., and I'm scared stiff. Not about the egghead kids in the semis and the finals (you spend your childhood memorizing a Webster's, you deserve what you get), but about which one of the little geeks I'm going to draw in the office pool.
The general rule of spelling bee office pools is this: Hope for a home-schooled eighth grader, preferably a girl who wears glasses, a retainer and has a Southern accent. They kill at these things.
While we're at it, why don't we create a National Sports Bee? The contestants:
Kobe Bryant
Hometown: Pluto.
Moderator: "The word is, Tergiversate."
Bryant: "Did Jerry Buss leak that one to the media too? I know he's just trying to embarrass me. He said he was going to rebuild around K-O-B-E, but instead he stuck me with K-W-A-M-E. Want to know the difference between Kwame Brown and a mannequin? Nothing.
Moderator: "You have 60 seconds."
Bryant: "I'll pass."
Moderator: "I'm sorry, this isn't the second half of that 2006 Game 7 against the Phoenix Suns. Would you like the definition?"
Bryant: "Sure, right after I introduce my elbow to your chin."
Moderator: "Tergiversate: to desert a cause
become a renegade
to use evasions or subterfuge."
Bryant: "Could you use it in a sentence?"
Moderator: "After insulting his general manager and napalming the owner who signed him to a max-out, seven-year, $136.4 million contract, Bryant decided to tergiversate the Los Angeles Lakers."
Bryant: "But I un-tergiversated later in the day on Dan Patrick's show."
Moderator: "That's not what Jerry Buss said."
The National League Central
Hometowns: Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Chicago, St. Louis, Houston, Cincinnati.
Moderator: "The word is, Execrable."
Cubs manager Lou Piniella: "Hey, listen, I've got a $136 million leadoff man who has exactly eight more RBIs than one of my starting pitchers. I've got guys who run the bases like they failed the Wonderlic. We've lost four in a row and we're already seven games below .500. So look, unless 'Execrable' can pitch middle relief, I don't care about the damn word."
Astros manager Phil Garner: "If it makes you feel any better, Lou, we've lost 10 in a row."
Cardinals manager Tony La Russa: "We've lost three."
Pirates manager Jim Tracy: "One here, and six of our last 10."
Brewers manager Ned Yost: "Seven of our last eight."
Reds manager Jerry Narron: "We've won three."
Piniella: "But you're still 12 games below .500."
Narron: "At least we didn't spend almost $300 million on free agents this year."
Piniella: "Let me tell you something, you've got me there."
Moderator: "Perhaps a definition would help. Execrable: very inferior
of poorest quality."
Garner: "R-E-D-S."
Narron: "I heard that."
Michael Vick
Hometown: Atlanta.
Moderator: The word is, Amercement."
Vick: "If this is about that dog thing, I already sold the house and property."
Moderator: "Spelling, please."
Vick: "How about a sentence?"
Moderator: "Well, I think that all depends if you're indicted by a grand jury and
"
Vick: "No, not that kind of sentence. The other kind."
Moderator: "If Mr. Vick is found guilty of participating in, betting on, or sponsoring alleged dogfights at his former Virginia property, his amercement should be: an entire offseason cleaning out kennels at the Atlanta Humane Society."
Andy Roddick
Hometown: Austin, Texas
Moderator: "The word is, Inappositeness."
Roddick: "Definition?"
Moderator: "Inappositeness: to be irrelevant."
Roddick: "Got it: I-N-A-P-P-O-S-I-T-E-N-E-S-S. Inappositeness. As in, 'After all nine of us American men were eliminated in the first round of the French Open for the first time in at least 40 years, U.S. men's tennis reached a new level of inappositeness.'"
Moderator: "Finally, you aced something."
Detroit Pistons
Hometown: Detroit, Mich.
Moderator: "The word is, Van de Velde'd."
Rip Hamilton: "You're gonna need my faceguard if Rasheed hears you say that."
Moderator: "I'm simply reading off the cards."
Hamilton: "Yeah, the cards LeBron gave you. What else does it say?"
Moderator: "After leading the Eastern Conference finals 2-0, the Pistons Van de Velde'd their lead against the Cleveland Cavaliers."
Barry Bonds
Hometown: San Francisco.
Moderator: "The word is, Contumacy."
Bonds: "I ain't talking today. Ain't talking to the Hall of Fame. Ain't talking to you."
Moderator: "But Mr. Bonds, it's a competition."
Bonds: "Did I stutter?"
Moderator: "No."
Bonds: "Then take you and your Funk & Wagnalls, and get out of my face."
Mark Cuban
Hometown: Dallas.
Moderator: "The word is, Bedlamite. And Mr. Cuban, please refrain from taunting the other contestants."
Cuban: "He started it."
10-year-old contestant: "Did not."
Cuban: "Did so."
Moderator: "You're on the clock, Mr. Cuban."
Cuban: "OK, we'll select Greg Oden."
Moderator: "You're on our Sporting Bee clock. Plus, you don't have a first-round pick in the upcoming NBA draft."
Cuban: "I know. I just wanted to piss off Stern."
Moderator: "The word is, Bedlamite, which means, insane person
madman."
Cuban: "Is this being shown in HD?"
Moderator: "Your final clue, in the form of a sentence: 'The NFL thinks Cuban is a bedlamite for wanting to form a rival football league.'"
Adam "Pacman" Jones
Hometown: Nashville (for now).
Moderator: "The word is, Prodigalize."
Jones: "I'd like to appeal to the judges."
Moderator: "Appeal what exactly?"
Jones: "I'd like a shorter word. I think this one is too long."
Daisuke Matsuzaka
Hometown: Boston
Moderator: "The word is, Overhyped."
Interpreter: "He says he considers it an honor to be asked to participate in this annual tradition of spelling words in front of a national cable television audience."
Moderator: "Would he like to spell this particular word?"
Interpreter: "He asks if you would please use the word in a sentence of your pleasing."
Moderator: "Despite Dice-K's 7-3 record, he has a 5.22 ERA in May, a 4.83 ERA overall, and is the most overpaid, overhyped free-agent signing in decades."
Interpreter: "He asks if you would spell your last name."
Moderator: "S-T-E-I-N-B-R-E-N-N-E-R."
Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.