Zach, baby! We've gotta talk. You're the Masters champion, winner of the most prestigious golf tournament of the year. It's time to start acting like it.
Now don't get me wrong. You've upheld the traditions of Augusta National quite nicely. Said all the right words. Done all the right things. Acted like a perfect gentleman.
But, dude, you're a superstar now. NFL quarterbacks celebrate winning the Super Bowl by mugging for the camera and screaming, "I'm going to Disney World!" You went on a whirlwind interview schedule for two days and wound up at ... Harbour Town? As in, the site of this week's PGA Tour event, the Verizon Heritage? As in, back to the grind just a few days after capturing your first major championship? As in, hobnobbing with the rank-and-file tour players who don't have a green jacket hanging in their closets?
"I committed to it and I'm going to honor that commitment," you said on Wednesday. "I love this place, I love everything about it, the tournament itself. I mean, it's great. It's one of our better tournaments on tour."
Whoa. How very un-superstar-like of you, Zach. I mean, Phil Mickelson won last year's Masters and celebrated by skipping the next two events. One year earlier, Tiger Woods won and disregarded the next three before we saw him again. In fact, the last guy to win at Augusta and follow it by playing in the next event was Vijay Singh in 2000 -- and that guy plays more golf than the entire American Medical Association on Wednesdays. Is that really the rep you want?
Take a look on the practice range at Harbour Town and tell me how many other guys have recently read a Top 10 list on the "Late Show with David Letterman." (The subject: Top 10 things I can say now that I've won the Masters. The best line: "I just wrote down '3' for every hole. Nobody checked.") None of 'em appeared on "Regis and Kelly," either. (And, honestly, a real superstar would have only shown up if Reej was there, rather than replacement co-host Pat Sajak.) Or "SportsCenter," CNN and "Cold Pizza."
"The last few days have been quite the whirlwind, a bit chaotic at times," you claimed. "It all blurred together, to be honest with you. I don't know what we did, but I wouldn't change a second of it."
I would. Playing third fiddle to fellow Letterman guests Barack Obama and Halle Berry is pretty unbecoming of a Masters champ. Who are they? Just a presidential candidate and an Oscar winner. Let's see 'em hit a wedge to within six inches on the final hole at Augusta and then maybe they can share top billing. Maybe.
And then there's your preferred method of travel from tournament to tournament. Uh, an RV? Really? That might work for major winners who spend more time at Hooters than the driving range, but not the reigning Masters champion.
My idea: A full fleet of Gulfstreams and a helicopter in every PGA Tour city, on which your personal pilots will take you and the family to your private yacht, parked at the nearest harbor, just minutes from the course. What's that? No docking within a 10-minute limo ride of the venue? Well, looks like we'll just have to cross that tournament off the schedule.
Let's get a movie deal in the works, too. Maybe you're no Francis Ouimet, but the Prairie Tour-to-Butler Cabin story will touch the heartstrings of all those dreamers in the 18-34 demographic. And let's face it: Everyone and their mother already thinks you're a dead ringer for Joaquin Phoenix. (Strike that; he's a dead ringer for you.) I think we can get him for 20 mil, easy.
Like you said, "My wife and I, we're huge movie buffs. She's a pop-culture freak." Well, then you must know what Double-Down Trent said in "Swingers" that readily applies to you: You're so money and you don't even know it!
Look, you didn't get that green jacket off the sale rack at Men's Wearhouse. You earned it by winning the Masters. In doing so, you beat Tiger, a four-time champ who already hosts his own PGA Tour event. Gives me an idea. How does the Zach Johnson Classic sound? Got a nice ring to it, eh?
So, whaddya say, Zach? Time to ditch those have-nots on the tour. Let's get the movie in production, write a check for the planes and yachts, get some PR photos of you on the Teacups at Disney. You with me, man?
"I'll say this, I don't plan on changing," you said. "I wouldn't know how to change. Personally, I mean, I really wouldn't. I just feel like good things are around the corner. I'll keep improving. That's what I'll keep doing."
No changes? Keep improving? Hmmm, I like the angle. "Masters champ stays humble after victory." Shrewd move, Zach Johnson. Shrewd move.
Jason Sobel is ESPN.com's golf editor. He can be reached at Jason.Sobel@espn3.com